I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
