Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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