Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
