Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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