i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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