You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
