You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I didn't shave. On purpose
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
