I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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