Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
