What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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