how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
either way he was missing a nipple.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
