I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
