we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
