Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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