The maid of honor just puked.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
