i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
