my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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