I wish my penis had an off switch
i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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