why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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