Jerry, you need to find god
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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