Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
