There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
