She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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