so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
