Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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