They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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