the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
