Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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