Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
