You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
