Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
