I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
