i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
