just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
