Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
FUCK WHALES
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
