I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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