I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
