i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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