My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
