So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
