I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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