Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
