Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
