and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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