does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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