I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Bring me that man meat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
