good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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