Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
