My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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