You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
