You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
