Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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