I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
