I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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