I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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