you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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