overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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