At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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