You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
