Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
