Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
